i really miss hanging out in the ambs room and having the time of our lives in there. where all sorts of conversations and things take place. from doing our own school work, chatting with other people, finding out they have the same type of humor as i do, laughing like no one's business, to screaming about random shit, eating (you did not see that), sitting on you (hahahah), and just having loads of fun in there.

it feels really weird that i find myself avoiding the place i once had so much fun in. but i am unable to go in there without feeling like i dont belong. i cant go in without hearing profanities being thrown around like no one's business. i dont like that. i was brought into ambs with the mentality that we have an image to portray. we're not supposed to use such words, do things we shouldnt be doing, not just when we're in the uniform. in fact, wearing the uniform was kinda a burden, as we had to watch everything we did.

most of all. i miss the fact that everyone i'm close to is gone. i know its my fault that i dont go ard making "friends" but i just find everything so fake. its like if i'm not close to you, why the hell are you saying hello like i know you very well? because i dont believe people to be naturally nice. maybe its just me. but this facade everyone puts up, it makes everything feel like its all an act, to me at least. i dont like the culture. it is weird and i cannot fathom why people do it.

and then there are the relationships going on. which seems a little like incest, since the claim was family. hahaha. no la. i'm happy for them.

and yet. i cant help but feel the need and want to make my last year in poly a fulfilling one. since my course is not gna help in any way whatsoever, the only thing that made me happy, allowed me to escape from the harsh reality of being in a course i didnt like, was ambs. and i'm drawn to wanting to come back. to have the same amount of fun (and more). but i cant. i cant do that any more.

you know i'll support you in everything you do. people who asked if we'll ever be in a relationship just do not understand what friendship is all about. i cant say the same for anyone else. but at least to you. i'll be here for you if you ever need someone.

i'm sorry i wont be of much help. but i hope you understand where i'm coming from. everything is just too different. and i doubt much will change.

so good luck. and i wont say, you wont see me at all. but i'll do my best during T&B.

peace,

bernice

i'm sorry. but i'm not about to let you in on my embarrassing past. too bad if you missed the entries! heh heh hehhhh