I like my dad. A lot. I used to hate him, but now that I’m older, I understand a lot more than I did. And I know hate’s a strong word to use for someone who’s family. But I really did. For all the hurt he caused us. But its almost all good now. Everything’s kinda back to the way it’s supposed to be. And I’m happy that he’s back. No idea if its back for good, or whatever. What matters is he’s back. No more worries, less quarrels, in fact, a more open r/s with the whole family.

Sis isn’t here though, I think it would have been very different if she was. I mean, she’s always been the whiny one. Hahahaha. And I’m usually ignoring her incessant talking in the mornings, cos hell no am I a morning person, and she is and she just talks and talks! Hahhahahah. But yeahh I miss her. In a weird i-cant-get-pissed-with-her-in-the-mornings-anymore way. hahhaha.

But as a family, the 4 of us, we’re having a lot more laughs, both at and with my dad. And I’m happy. He’s not the strictest dad ard, and he didnt say anything about the navel piercing. (whether he saw it or not is a total different thing) I did ask his opinion about tattoos though, and he was all “no! So ugly!” hahhahaha. But yeah I doubt I’ll be getting one anytime soon. I’m afraid I’ll regret it because at 20, what do I know?

Currently, I want a nautical star tattoo. Because I need direction in life. (HAHAH. That was all I could think of, it’s just really old school and manly, which I like) And a saying which goes “A clenched fist hits only as hard as the muscle behind it”. It struck me when I read it, no idea why, but I guess it’s similar to dont judge a book by its cover. And also there’s always a little history behind someone. Good, bad, random? Hahhaha. I dont know.

What I do know however, is that I’m not talking as much as I used to, I find it pointless. And if you were to ask me what I really want in life right this moment, I’ll stay silent. Nothing really. I’m quite contented with life. Took me damn long to realise that I am genuinely happy. (Although exams may be a little bitch) Hahahahah. But I’m good I’m not strongly addicted to anything, where my life depended on it, (besides parents, and probably keeping my things clean, ocd). I’ve been depressed (suicidal. HAHAHHA) for too long, and I guess I dont have the urge to jump off a cliff or a HDB flat anytime soon. (HAHHAHAHA. NO LA. Siao ah)

Anyway, I’m still a hater. So whatever, I dont intended to rectify anything anytime soon. If you’ve pissed me off, I’m still gna hate you mon.

Self loathing is good though, and I still hate myself for being fat and ugly, for being stupid and vulnerable and not being able to stand up for my rights. For letting my emotions get the better of me. for allowing tears to flow when they shouldn’t have. For not being self sufficient, for not treasuring all the time I had and instead just letting it pass by me as though it didnt matter. Most of all, i hate myself for being such a coward. Useless, fucking coward.

I see prettier, skinnier people being called ugly/ fat, it’s like a shot right to my chest. Wtf man. I know its probably a joke, but srsly. I cant take it. Its just this nagging feeling that I get that I’m not good enough, and never will be. Things as small as this gets to me so quickly, and I’m just at a loss for words. the silence may be overwhelming, but it keeps me sane, in the midst of all the drama that’s coursing through my mind. and I’m beginning to feel that, maybe life isn’t all that pretty afterall.

Labels: emotionally unsound