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{Sunday, January 01, 2012 @ 3:33 PM}
"get over it"
3 simple words. the longest being only 4 letters. yet so complex and so intense.
it's okay coming from friends. from family members. from complete strangers. but coming from the person who, 2 years ago broke your heart, caused you so much misery and pain, made you almost give up hope on humanity, that's a real kick in the face.
2 years ago, i wish i could. i hated the feeling. that dull ache. the numbness. and not even understanding how i should react. are we still friends? why should we be? you had no right to hurt me, and one day karma would catch up with you. that was my rational. not the most mature mentality, but it kept me from going insane. you might have an inkling. but for so long i've been borderline suicidal, it's just been calling out to me that i didnt deserve this treatment and that life on a whole was not worth it.
it's like that song from the new boyband. "if our ache was a physical pain, i can take it... but you're hurting me from inside of my head, i cant take it" i needed to feel the pain, not just emotionally. i needed a release. and i refused to let go of the fact that we might just happen. because you were the one person i felt at ease with and was even remotely attracted to. and it comes very seldom in my life, because i'm so fucking choosy.
i was lost and at a loss. literally drowned my sorrows with alcohol, drinking to sleep. felt good because the pounding in my head makes me feel alive. more than i felt when i was awake in the day.
it was really hard to "get over it". might be easy for you. since you've been in this whole r/ship thing since god knows when, but this was my first. and as short lived as it was, it was still my first. the butterflies in my tummy. i'm ashamed this feeling continued for so long. and i couldnt not look at you because you were part of my social life. and i thought i'd leave, but they're my friends too. and why should i outcast myself?
it didnt help that i was getting all the wrong advices from others. until one person came along and told me how brave i was. that i stuck with everyone. that i didnt show it. so many times i had to fight an internal battle between my feminist side and my rational side. most of the time the rational side won. that's when i'd hang and be cool. but i'd go home feeling empty and helpless with the situation i was in. the longing, but knowing it'll never happen.
up until mid this year. when i decided that enough was enough. that when you were almost something, you shouldnt meet alone. i needed to consult someone i barely knew just to confirm it with myself. you know how you need an external party to tell you something you already knew but refused to agree with? and that's when a ray of sunshine came bearing down upon my life. almost liberation. but very subtly. and i didnt know this before, but i was recovering. from this depression and mental torture i put myself in. i refused to accept the reality but looking back. i know why i was never able to let go.
i guess when you longed for something for so long, and it finally comes around, you just wish for it to last forever. when it doesnt, you beat yourself up for not making it last. but it's not up to you to decide. it is your decision though, to pick yourself up and come back from it. and even though it took me 2 years to get back on my feet properly, i'm glad it's finally over. so fucking glad you have no idea. i've been tired of life for so long, but the chains have finally been loosened.
i'm happy now. grand, swell, FABULOUS! okay that's exaggerating it, and sounding just a lil like a fashion designer. hahah. but yes, i "got over it". life is calm now. as complicated as it may be, i feel peace. and that's all i need.
Labels: dear you.
