what's the point of holding on when you're fighting a losing battle. not just with the world, but with your morals and with him who wants to be a fucking saint?

i tell you things because i want you to know why i do the things i do. why i have to be fucking cinderella and be home by 12. why i feel so fucking low in life that people i thought i was close to dont share the same joy as i felt.

but it doesnt matter, because you're here. and in time to come, they would understand too. but not if you keep wanting to be all righteous. imagine how i'm feeling. no one to turn to. and here you go telling me. they're doing it for my own good. because they care about me. and you'd rather i be close to them than to be close to you.

dont pull that crap on me. that whole "it's not you, it's me" shit. yes, it is you. because i'm grabbing onto this fine piece of thread, while you hold it at your finger tips. it's not our time yet. eventually yes. but not now. not so soon. we're just beginning to figure each other out. why do you insist on killing us both?

you guys think i'm ignorant and callow. well i'm not. i may not have experienced this whole relationship thing before. but i know what i want and i know i get it when i'm with him. i get the care and concern from a decent human being. i get the listening ear and teachings of one who's experienced life. a life i long to live. sure he's got commitments. but who doesnt?

he's taught me things. things a childish mentality like mine would scoff at. but nonetheless imparts his knowledge. i tell him my problems. and he encourages me to find myself. and assures me that i'm much stronger than that. he speaks of learnings in life, when we listen to people's issues. i quote "who's to say how much you have to give and take? just because we listen, doesnt mean they have to listen to us too. just remember, we are learning as they speak, and perhaps in the same situation, we might be able to give suggestions to help others"

i have matured a lot. entering the working world. being PR and constantly listening to people. annoying at times. and yet surprisingly amusing. life was never meant to be a bed of roses. and i genuinely love my job. i get to meet people from different walks of life. this guy says he meets his wife once a year only. no kids, just during the CNY period. and yet, they're still madly in love. another lady said she lost the spark with her husband, but when she talks abt her son, she feels his eyes light up. and just recently, i spoke with a guy who used to be a banker, but now he finances chicken rice stalls. and goes ard everyday to 20 stalls to collect $ from them.

politics are bound to happen. and it escalated the last few days. imo very childish things going on. but couldnt help being defensive. i was so pissed i felt like i had to hit something, and i was literally shaking and on the verge of tears. never been so pissed off in life that i'll wna cry. and then i just needed someone to tell me it's okay, you know? that it's only normal. and that maybe i'll need to move on. that's all. and i need an adult to tell me that. because my mom has been with the same company ever since she started working. it's like asking her what to say in interviews. duhh... she didnt even go through one.

what i'm saying is, i need someone to look up to. and care for me, and someone for me to care about too. i take care of the family. but it's not reciprocal. and i dont like that. i buy food that my sis likes, i buy breakfast for them all. but if i dont, i dont have anything to eat. and i need my food in the morning! why's that so hard to comprehend!

but i digress. it just gets so fucking tiring sometimes. but he's there to make my day. might not be physically, but at least i know someone's there.

i dont need to see him everyday. just knowing there's someone is good enough. it hurts that the people who matter dont understand. i wna be able to share my joy with you, mom. with everyone. but i know i cant. and it hurts. very badly.

for the longest time, i've always felt tears to be a form of weakness. i am very weak now. because i'm not just tearing, i'm heaving.

i'm sorry. but i'm not about to let you in on my embarrassing past. too bad if you missed the entries! heh heh hehhhh