in such vivid detail, i remembered how my first emotional kiss went. how i 'joked' even when it wasnt supposed to be. and i guess it was the alcohol that made everyone so brazen. but that night, it was just a wave of emotions. was this really happening? to think i stiffened from the shock. but almost immediately, i joined in. it was literally a gasp of joy. from having waited so long for such a moment. was it finally here? i was elated.

and almost as quickly as it started, it ended. how abrupt.

i should have known i was being used. rebound. that's what it was. and the hurt that ensued, like daggers piercing through my skin countless times. a constant stream of stabs just raining down on me. aiming straight for the heart. i tried hiding, but i knew i was crumbling away. slowly allowing the darkness to engulf me and swallow me whole. i felt worthless. pathetic. life wasnt worth living. but this hurt, yet not feeling any physical pain. it bugged me so much. i hated this feeling. my heart was constricting. its beat has slowed down and it was empty. hollow. lifeless. like i was.

for the longest time, i lived without direction. i drank to sleep; an alcohol infused night meant not having nightmares. i cut. so i could feel alive. because throughout the day, i felt numb. painless. aimless. 

it took me 2 yrs before i moved on. and i'm glad it's over. 

because, otherwise,

i wouldnt have met you. 

i'm sorry. but i'm not about to let you in on my embarrassing past. too bad if you missed the entries! heh heh hehhhh