Entries
{Thursday, June 26, 2014 @ 12:04 AM}
i havent felt like this in so long.
too many emotions in one day. i feel like my head is about to explode. it's all good though. and i seek solace in friends i've never managed to trust my life with. too many trust issues growing up meant not opening up to many people. i didnt like that. hated the vulnerability. how close are you to me that i should open myself up to you? i understand the need for reciprocation of information, info equity, but i just cant.
so many years of listening to others, and being such a hypocrite behind their backs. silently cursing for them to stop the whining, to just be contented with life. i couldnt shake that feeling. not wanting to listen, but knowing i had to. and sometimes i really did enjoy listening. i'd much rather do that than to spill the beans and talk about myself. contrary to popular belief, i never liked talking about myself. i'd much prefer talking about my friends and family, to other friends/family. i didnt need the attention about me, i simply needed the attention on me.
but today was different. i spoke to friends about things i wouldnt have on a normal day. and i couldnt be happier with their reactions to my stories. so much haptics which i never liked, but felt so utterly comforting on this particular day.
i spoke about my past. a failed relationship, and a views on life. i spoke with as little emotion as i could muster, in order to seem as neutral as possible. i had to. i didnt need pity. i didnt even need a listening ear. but they were willing, and so was i. and i just talked and talked.
i spoke so long, i began to bore myself. words just kept flowing and i couldnt stop them. serious topics would never otherwise come from me. that this goofy/arrogant kid decided it was necessary to stop keeping mum about everything. and it felt so good to finally let them all out.
my views about life. my past and present. and my love.
i guess the only word to describe this feeling would be, liberated.
