ok
done
finished.
wle
couldnt you bring your laptop into the toilet or smth
LOL
cannott.
so heavy.
later buey balance
the shit drop out
and happen to fly in mid air
and land on your laptop
wle.
please.
gross.
:,D ENJOY!
Profile
Bernice Ang
120490
drummer / drama mama
pâtissier wannabe
rocker in the making
bikes and all things related to Harley and Vespa
mini coopers with the brit flag on top
or mini coopers with a convertible top!
Ben sherman
MY man is called DYLAN
horoscopes are bull
I use colorgenics
loves the peace and quiet
but just so happen to be loud and obnoxious
Entries
{Tuesday, June 09, 2015 @ 4:47 AM}
having nothing to do scares me. I am unemployed and literally living off the money I worked a year and a half for. or at least that's what I had planned on doing. I'm not sure I really am doing that. because money given to me by mom is slightly fuzzy now. was it her own or mine? I wanted it to be mine so I won't feel guilty about spending hers, and also I get to spend as much as I want. I really want to do that with no restrictions.
back to the nothingness. I don't know how to relish in this time and phase in life which should show me how capable I am of figuring life out on my own. Instead, emotions and memories of home surface. Stop reminding me I have to go back to this place that's so familiar yet so foreign now.
I went to the pride parade yesterday, and it was the happiest event I've ever attended. Seeing families with young children holding up 6 colored rainbow flags. Seeing church groups participating in the walk. Seeing African Americans blasting R&B music while driving pass in the parade too. Then going to the festival and watching Drag Queens and Kings + burlesque dancers doing their thing to get people to donate and contribute to their non-profit organizations.
And then going on Facebook and seeing this article.
and I genuinely felt sad. because obviously i'm expecting too much out of my patriarchal collectivist culture, which borders on being draconian. Where religion outweighs socialism, and is supposed normalcy.
My views on issues (even if I haven't been keeping up with many) are just different now. I can't help but compare the countries. Of course I know nothing of the racism that occurs in other states in America, or the problems the middle class people face, with the poverty line slowly rising. I am ignorant, insignificant and simply want to paint a nice picture of America for everyone who think otherwise of them.
Getting history lessons from Pat about how America is involved in other countries' business, so as to prevent a third world war from occurring. Why it is essential they continue to do so. How utterly small we really are, and how the service industry will eventually die down.
I am afraid I would go home, bitter from seeing such extremes. In fact I already know I will be when I finally book my tickets, pack my bags and leave this place for good. letting go is going to hurt like a bitch. it's going to hurt so bad I'll write 5 songs about it. (haha) (no really)
I broke down the day I had to leave mom and sis to get back to buffalo. but seeing Pat and ZT and everyone else, it was like nothing changed. then I broke down again from all that pent up emotions of feeling so suffocated with family. and I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I did, and I felt guilty about feeling that. Meta emotion. All this breaking down is so fucking draining. I hate doing it but I can't help them hormones. (literally, from the Aviane)
on a lighter note, I'm done with school, and I instantly feel a reflex action in wanting to keep studying. almost instinctively needing to go back to school to learn.
so thankful for ZT. she's done so much without even realizing how much. even when she tells me my hair parting like curtain. haha. she makes me laugh, simply from her antics. it's just great to have found this woman, almost like an affinity. who would have thought?
