Pat came and left.

I'm heart broken. 

sad he didnt like SG as much as I would have liked him to. what with the haze and the temp bordering on boiling. It's so much cooler now, and the haze isnt so bad either. this would have been a nice time for him to come over. but I guess he is just attuned to being in a cooler climate. It would be a lot easier for me to assimilate into a cold climate than for him to, in a warm one.

I don't blame him. I just wished for him to be more open to differences. but he probably reacted this way because we're close, and he knows he can trust me with his dark thoughts. 

Japan was fun.

I liked the random street food more than the meals we got there. not a fan, which probably bummed Pat out, because he couldn't try it all. also we didnt get to see mount fuji, because shy mountain was hidden behind the clouds. that really sucked.

went to many temples, and the slightly forested areas had such clean fresh air. it was such a jolt to my system. I felt my lungs expanding with every breath I took. it was an amazing feeling. also, soft cream everywhere we went. they had sweet potato flavor, it was so good.

we spoke about life.

we talked about a non existent future between us. how he had a discussion with his mom about me being in the states and its effect on me. the loneliness, lack of independence, and possibly us not working out. all things I've questioned myself too. it's weird how he can speak about such intimate things with ease to his mom, yet i don't. not that it's a bad thing, just different. he gets the moral support which I should, but don't see the need to seek. also, the closeness with his mom which I long for, but will never seek.

there are too many uncertainties in this relationship, which excites and scares me. the reason why it will have to end, unless I find a way to get there, and somehow manage to survive on my own.

even then, I dont know how much of the cold I can take, and how far away from my family and friends I can be. to carve a whole new life outside of the current one I have. It's going to be such an interesting challenge that I would thoroughly enjoy, albeit with much trepidation. 

while we were texting ytd, I told Pat I had hoped to one day run his family business, the bakery. and he told me it was a possibility. so I blatantly asked him if he wanted me there. and he went "idk, yes, no, maybe ughh" haha his usual not wanting to affect my decisions, wanting me to feel I have free will, and am not tied down by him. it was sweet. although he probably just doesnt want to feel like a burden to me. or me a burden to him.

I really don't know. but life will be vastly different from tomorrow on. I hope for the better.

i'm sorry. but i'm not about to let you in on my embarrassing past. too bad if you missed the entries! heh heh hehhhh