Entries
{Monday, January 18, 2016 @ 2:46 PM}
sitting in my (new) workplace/ work station, and wondering if i should have the coconut man chang keuh. Have been eating crap for lunch, curry puff, bao, bread. that kinda nonsense. which is actually a nice change. no longer feel lethargic or sleepy during the post lunch itus. but that only means i eat a whole lot more at dinner. like losing all forms of self control just eating.
long long conversations with pat in the mornings now. and i cant say i enjoy them all the time. feeling so drained. emotional contagion. my emotional state is constantly being tested and more than half the time, it loses. and pat gets to me.
i've stopped the diary thing too. i think that's getting to me as well. i want to say things and write stuff but i dont have anywhere to. i want to re-live the conversations that provokes me and ones i can laugh to all over again.
just a mess of thoughts going through my mind. i cant put my finger on anything. just wondering how long this will go on for. when i'll be like "fuck this" and completely drop someone off my friends' list. i really dislike having someone tell me problems, then not being receptive to suggestions to change. i get that you need a listening ear, who doesnt judge. i wont. until i do. how do you tell someone they need help? because this is obviously a sign of depression.
i'm annoyed i cant do anything to help you. then again, no one can if you dont help yourself. so much pent up frustration. i just really want to punch you sometimes. if only, you werent a million miles away.
i know one day i'll think to myself "i'm better than this" and just leave. i think it's nearing. it's sad. but honestly, i dont know what to do. i cant let you feel this way about yourself, but i cant let you affect me like this either.
i guess all i'm saying is, the sadness, hopelessness and helplessness you constantly feel, it's gna keep being there and i can only tell you so many times that i love you, before both of us stop believing it.
